This change has felt messy, frustrating and exhausting - and that's not how I pictured the pregnancy of my second (and probably last).
I'm a sentimental girl through and through. Traditions - whether formal or informal - have always felt so meaningful and worth engaging. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I kept a small notebook and would write to her regularly - all my hopes and prayers for her.
So far, when I've written to this baby, I've told it its heart beat per minute, the story of how we found out we were expecting and how excited its big sister is to meet it. That's it . . . because I don't know what to say.
That's partly due to the stickiness of this season of my life. It's been a weird time for me spiritually (things that I took as a given have felt less so), which has a lot of areas of my life a little off-kilter.
I've had different pregnancy symptoms this time. Some of them have required treatment that has made my husband and I worried for the health of the baby and left me feeling guilty about needing them for myself and my own health.
I've wondered how the heck I'll handle a boy if this baby is one (a totally different experience for us) or how I'll decrease competition and comparison if the baby is another girl.
Nothing about this pregnancy has felt easy and because of that, it feels harder to build excitement and expectancy for what's to come.
A good friend recently reminded me that I am someone who intentionally chooses to love those within my fold. That statement rang true, but it also revealed this wave of anxiety I have been feeling about creating MORE space, MORE love, MORE patience, MORE time, etc. for this second baby. I know the sort of person I am and what I will make happen because I know it's the right thing to do . . . but will I kill myself in the process?
This time around, I know more than I did before.
I know the extreme sacrifice that is required to love and care for another in such a huge and consistent way. I know and can acknowledge how much I don't know and how much energy and intention it takes to learn and get to know a new human being.
I had finally gotten to this spot with my daughter where life had a rhythm and I had some freedom again. To choose for that to change has me feeling like a kid not wanting to relinquish his new favorite toy.
I have been hesitant to share this part of my journey because it's not pretty. It's honestly not a part that I feel super proud of having, but it's here and real. I can't change that, and my mission has and will always be to be as honest with you as I have words to share.
I'll leave you with the main lesson I've learned so far during my pregnancy: