I haven't tried to put down my thoughts in over a month.
My insides have felt too messy, too sticky and disorienting to put my fingers to the keyboard and try to get out any bits or pieces of what has been going on inside of me. And for whatever reason, probably due to that lingering perfectionism, I haven't felt like I could be honest with you until I knew where I landed (even if just a glimpse of it).
But now it's been over a month and I still feel like a hot mess. So if my options are to wait until my life feels closer to crystal clear to write or to write while I feel like I'm carrying around my own personal, internal fog machine - I am going to choose to write through the fog.
I have been thinking about my value of honesty a lot lately. I have this innate desire to have my life be as honest as possible. Where did that value come from? Because really, that isn't super important to a lot of people in ways that prompt change or alter behavior. (That doesn't make me any better, but it does make me curious.)
I think growing up with an alcoholic added to that desire. I didn't know my alcoholic was an alcoholic until I was out of college. Lifting the veil that guarded my childhood has been a weird and uncomfortable, yet liberating task.
I was always a vocal little person, but somehow my ability to speak things for what they were got pushed farther into the closet as time wore on. It is taking me a lot of time and intention to dust off that part of myself and place it out front for everyone to see.
Part of my craving for honesty comes from being hurt in relationships because people are often so afraid to share what is really going on. It feels so sad to me that you can spend years with someone in your life and still be in the dark on so many levels.
My ideal world would have minimal small talk. Conversations would start off like mini speed dating sessions where you could talk for one minute about the things that are really going on before hearing the same from someone else. Tears, awkwardness and laughs welcome.
I realize I haven't really shared what's been going on with me yet, but I don't really feel rushed. We will get there together.
Here's what my speed dating monologue would look like today:
I'm trying not to run from my life and my feelings. I am trying to push through the cliches of "finding yourself" to actually find myself. I am letting go of what I feel like I should believe or should do by simply (not so simply) living in the grey. What if I just allowed for all these possibilities and different viewpoints to be true for a little bit?
Also, cinnamon toast and cool days really can make the day a little better.